today is the beginning

It’s been a long week, though interesting in some points. Over the past few days I have found myself really thinking about some things. It’s been one of those weeks where you try to desperately to find some answers, but when the end comes all you have is more questions.

Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed a gradual increase in my knee problems. Mostly in the right knee now, though both are far from perfect. I am starting to wonder if maybe it wasn’t just the fall in the summer, what if it’s a larger problem that simply became more evident with the fall, or progressed further. I have always had bad knees, though by no means to the point they are right now. Which has me wondering what it really is. I mean – I went to the doctor about the fall, and that is why they thought it would be a tracking issue. I question now if maybe the tracking issue was just another symptom of something greater. With the cold weather the past couple of weeks it has got me thinking that it could be a form of arthritis. Though not sure which since there are roughly 200 different types.

In the morning I am calling my family doctor and the orthopaedic surgeon to make appointments for this week hopefully. At which point I am requesting another xray to see if anything has changed, an MRI scan, SED and other arthritis tests. As well as a referral to a Rheumatologist, to have a specialist in terms of checking for arthritis.

It’s been getting harder and harder to work, even at lessened hours then December I am finding it gets harder. I really just want to know what is really going on with my knees. I mean I was feeling better, and now I am much worse. I have to walk down stairs sideways, sleep is all off because it hurts. I just want to know what is going on. Is it something I can work on fixing, something they can fix, or is this going to be a chronic thing that I will have to live with. Will I be able to get back into parkour? Will I be able to have epic hikes? Play soccer or golf? Or will I have to limit my activities with some lifetime of chronic issues and pain. It’s hard to not really know, really hard. I haven’t really talked to anybody about any of this because it worries me, and I try to keep positive around everyone. I haven’t even really told my mom much about the knees and pain. It’s just frustrating to have to put up with this and have no answers as to why.

In terms of work I start to slow down now until mid February. I am super busy two weeks in February then normal again for a long while. I am thinking I might talk to my boss and see if there are any openings in head office that I can transfer to, something that is less stress on my knees, and maybe better pay. If this turns out to be something chronic I will have to most likely do an office type job for a while, and if it turns out I need to do physiotherapy for a while, or God I hope not lifelong then I am pretty much screwed. Thinking about it makes me worry about it all that much more. Physiotherapy is not covered by OHIP, I wouldn’t get WSIB coverage clearly, and I have no insurance so it would cost me 100-150$ a WEEK to do physiotherapy if I need it. Which lets be real is not something that will be easy by any means. That also wouldn’t include any medications if I need them. I mean -  am trying to stay positive, but it’s so hard – and I don’t really want to talk to people about it and have them worry or tell me it will be okay... because they don’t know it will be.

Honestly, I am scared... and feeling alone with it all.

thinking about it more the past hourish i've decided I am done with LJ completely.

i'm done....with so many things. just done.

I don't think I am going to track my progress on LJ anymore...

...yeah, it's done.

So I think I lost weight >.>

I am starting to think my scale is lying to me. It's pretty up and down.

Uggghhhh.

Tonight I raped physio so hard that I never have to go back... WORD.

What really happened: I didn't have physio earlier this week. So I haven't seen him since I started my new diet and work outs. I went in and told him all about what I have been up to. He did some checking and testing, I did 20 minutes on the bike much easier then I normally do.

At the end of the session he said that he is impressed with my progress this week, and that if I keep doing what I am doing in a few weeks my knees will be better then before. No more need to go in there, since I have proven I can do it myself and with great progress.

I feel awesome about it. Some people enjoy physio alot, but really it made me feel kind of defeated to have to go somewhere to get fixed up. I'm happy that I overcame my first hurdle in my quest.

Mike 1
World 0
=
Mike is...LEGENDARY.

Today I: Took vitamins, drank my water, ate my meals, biked 20 minutes, cycled the gym, pushup, situp, pullup, chinup, leg up, knee to elbow chinup thing of doom.

I think I put on a pound? or two... It's sort of up and down but yeah. Also I can't recall what I weighed a few weeks ago, for some reason I think I was like 145ish? or 155... I can't remember. Either way right now I am 153/154.. Goal being 170 for now.

Oh man. Today was intense. I slept like a baby after last nights little walk/jog session. Woke up this morning and my legs and lower torso were hating me. I think I may have done a little too much yesterday... But the good news is that my knees aren't killing me today. I thought for sure they would after all of that.

I spent a good chunk of the day reading up on different diets, work outs, etc again. Posted on a parkour forum introduction thread about me, where I am, where I've been and where I want to go. A little weird to be so open on some public forum but there are a lot of local (GTA) parkour people on there and I think that sharing with them could open up chances once I am ready to get out into a group and explore.

I went shopping at Walmart, picked up a chin-up/sit up bar that is much needed, got some food stuffs to fill my belly, picked up some crazy protien milkshake mix. This stuff is intense... One serving is two cups of milk with four scoops of this stuff. Then it blends into a thickish milkshake type thing. It tastes pretty good, but it's pretty heavy feeling. I am half way through it right now and my stomach is like O.O

This milkshake stuff gives you 45g of protien and 1000 calories. Beef me up! I figure if I do one of this in the morning when I wake up, and one before bed that adds 2,000 calories onto my already calorie packed diet. My goal is to gain 18 pounds asap so I can work it out into muscle, and keep adding as I burn it into muscle. I'm going to weight myself in the morning, but I think I have already gained a pound of two... Which would be pimpsauce.

Goals: Vitamins were taken, I did 10 minutes of stretching, went for a 15 minute walk, ate at least three meals. I didn't do the rest today mostly because of soreness. I didn't want to overdo it. But I my muscles have earned a small break. Tomorrow I will do all of my routine, and I have physio as well.... I haven't seen him since I started doing all this so let's see what he has to say. He will probably make me do some stretching and ride the bike for 20 minutes. Who knows.

Once again today was a good day. Lots of eatting, lots of studying. I work tomorrow at 6am as well. Should be an interesting day. I'll post pre-work in the morning with confirmation of whether I have gained weight or not.

Love!

Also: Val should tell Duby to read these if she has not yet. All aboard the mikes training blog train!
Also: People should let me know via here or text message their weekend plans. Mike may visit if there is an opening and wants to see both Val and the Duby.

Well then! Today was another overall good day. Minus a few down points I am still managing to keep a positive outlook on everything.

Woke up today at 5:00am and was at work for 6:00am. I had a person from another division of my company shadowing me today to see how we do things on our side. He was actually a pretty cool guy, though a little hard to understand with his extreme aussie accent. I consider him cool mostly for the fact that he bought me subway for lunch, purely for the enjoyment of writing it off.

I worked in Walmart from 6:00am until about 1:00pm. Then headed to subway for the sub. Then off to Zellers until about 3:00pm. Came home, ate some more and did my paperwork.

The great thing is that I managed to go today without a nap. Which I was sure half way into the day I would need one. On top of that I decided to go for an epic walk/job (mix of the two) which lasted 2.5 hours.

My route was such: Left my house, took Ontario to Steeles, Followed Steeles to Thompson, Thompson to Woodward, Woodward to Wilson, Wilson to Main, Main to Thompson, Thompson to Childs, Childs to Coxe, Coxe to Laurier, Laurier to Commercial, Commercial to that street that runs behind the library, that street to Ontario, Ontario up to EC Drury, EC Drury to Zellers. Stopped for some water at Zellers. Zellers up Ontario to Macs on Steeles, Macs on Steeles to home. Also: On Woodward I found $20. What up.

Wow I am exhausted now. My knees hurt for the first little while but I decided to push through the pain and soon enough they were feeling good. We will see tomorrow if I am able to walk.

Goals Completed: I had my vitamins, I ate at least three meals today, I jogged FAR over 10 minutes, I did my stretching and conditioning and cycle of the gym. Also did my pushups. I replaced sit-ups with some new v-up type thing I read about. Similar concept.

--------------------------------

Also today my district manager got back from vacation. She called me earlier and asked me if I would be willing to do two more weeks of the mississauga store to train a new rep who has accepted the job. I figured I might as well suck up two more weeks of it, make some money, so I can take it easy work wise for a bit once Christmas comes and goes. Not to mention I have a bunch of stuff I need to buy that will add up (food, whey protein etc etc)

I also did a lot of reading up today about diets, and how exactly eatting works in terms of calories, good and bad calories, balancing a diet, and such. Once I go shopping if I can manage to eat what this diet I got says, I could gain almost a pound a day. My goal weight wise is to gain 18 pounds, to be an even 170lbs, but not fat weight, muscle weight. Ooog.

I feel good. Really good. Finally.

I didn't post yesterday so I thought I would post early this morning for yesterday.

Today I completed the following goals:

• Eat at least three good meals - Complete
• Take daily vitamin - Complete
• Drink at least two litres of water - Complete
• At least 30 minutes of stretching and conditioning - Complete
• Two sets of ten Pushup and Situp - Complete
• Gym Workout Cycle - Complete
• Jog at least ten minutes - Complete

Extra: Nice little walk with Val.

Yesterday I felt good. Probably the best I have felt in a while. I was a little disappointed that I slept in so late, but it ended up working out okay. My mom got the new piece of gym equipment. Regular price is 599.99, she got it for 59.99 and then 30% off that price hahah. What a champ. It should arrive today sometime.

I also went shopping and got some food. Salmon, chicken, turkey, veggies, lettuce, pasta, eggs, fruits, etc.

Overall things are looking up, though right now I am half asleep and not looking forward to work. Hurray for working off 3 hours sleep. I think one of next weeks goals will be to attempt setting up some sort of regular sleeping pattern. Trying to get at least 8 hours a night.

It’s been a while since I actually posted on this, at least anything of importance. As part of the changes to my life I am making posting on this journal will be done more frequently, if not every day.

Let’s be realistic here for a minute. I haven’t really been happy in a long while now. With all that has happened I just shut down. Over the years I have pushed away virtually all of my friends, locked myself up in my room, and stuck to just watching tv shows and brooding. I’ve become socially awkward, something that I never used to be. Time and time again I come up with ideas of how to change but I never really go through with them. Which is why I don’t blame people for thinking the same things right now. Thus I plan to prove people wrong.
I am not really happy with my job at the moment. I pretty much work, watch tv and sleep. Thinking back I used to be a very active person. Eight years in Cadets made sure of it. I used to play t-ball when I was little, got MVP. I played soccer for a few years and was kick ass. I got called for rep after my first season, though my parents said no. So it wasn’t long until I gave up on soccer (at least organized) I mean really, what kid wants to play a game knowing well in advance that they are limited in how well they can progress. I played on the volleyball team. I played on the basketball team. Both with no real tryout. I spent a year training to do a 160KM march in Holland at age 14, youngest military marcher to ever finish. I used to be able to do countless push-ups, sit ups and chin ups. I could limbo with the best of them. I was in track and field for the 100m, 400m relay, cross country and long jump. I used to repel and absail. Rock climb. All things that looking at the person who did those things and the person I am now I shocked.

I’m not happy with myself, and that is why I am what I am right now. I think I just gave up, especially after last fall. I stopped really caring, I stopped laughing, and I let my relationships die. Now to the point where I know of two people who read this, and two people in the world that I could really say I am 100% sure are friends. Even though lately that too has been a question in my head.

This past week during my physio session I had a meeting with my physio guy and the ortho surgeon. They said I have made good progress, though they let me know that I have a long way to go and keep going to keep my knees running smoothly. They asked me what activities I do, what I used to do... And then they told me I should look for a sport or physical activity that not only interested me but would push me beyond who I am.

I got home, sat in my chair and really thought about it. I watched youtube live since it was on, and there was a little thing on there about Parkour. It looked awesome so I thought I would research it. After doing so I realized more and more that this was what I should do. It’s a lot of hard work, constant training, pushing, and most of all overcoming things. It’s about discovering yourself, what you can do, pushing your limits and most of all freedom. The one thing I want more then anything right now is to just know myself. Who I am.

So I decided to make goals, start small and change myself. My diet, my routine, my habits, everything. It won’t be overnight, but I really think this will help me become who I am. To find myself and get out of this grave I have dug myself into. To finally be alive. To feel. Most of all, to interact with the world around me, instead of just watching it pass me by.

This weeks goals I have set are:

1. Eat at least three healthy meals a day
2. Take my daily vitamins.
3. Jog at least 10 minutes each day
4. Stretch and condition at least 30 minutes a day.
5. Do two full cycles on the gym set. Sets of 10. Each day.
6. Two sets of ten push-up and sit ups each day.

Every day I am going to try and post with how I did in my goals, what I am thinking etc etc. Whether it’s read or not, it will help me be accountable to myself. This time I prove that I do go through with ideas, and that I can change the person I have become.

Today I did:
Daily Vitamin, two meals, stretch and condition for 30 minutes, two gym cycles, one set pushup and sit up.

Bye bye pushing daisies :(

http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/11/breaking-abc-pa.html

http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/11/brooke-smith-le.html (*Contains a Greys spoiler)

...nuff said.

Mert.

Only two people really read my LJ (at least as far as I know) but I do miss posting.

Point form:

- I will hear back in the next 7 days whether I am in at Guelph for September or not. If I don't get in for September they have told me that I will more than likely be in for February. Which means mid september to february I will be looking for a full time job to save all my monies.

- Working at Granite Ridge again, should start getting busy. Not sure yet whether I am excited or not about it all. I can say though that if things continue the way they did end of last year and so far this year then I will not be staying the whole summer. I don't like leaving work angry, and as we all know I hate douchebags.

- The movie place job is going very good. I love it. Though I am getting tired of trying to explain it to people who ask.

- Summertime TV is making me a little sad. Though most shows start up earlier in September then normal. I can't wait. Until then I have been catching up in Lost (ugh that show is really getting effed up) watching deep space nine from start to finish (I actually like it this time around) and then I am thinking I will hit up Firefly and Angel again. Most likely Roswell too... Only seen it once all the way through.

- The neon is now mine. My mom bought a new car for herself so the neon is all mine. Tomorrow I plan to clean it all out, wash it, shine her up, fix her window, get an oil change, change some filters and maybe name her. I am pretty excited about it. Means I can do anything I want without worrying about mom walking around, or having to work my things around her work times.

I've been pretty down lately over a few things, but I woke up this morning fairly clear headed and determined to start pulling myself back up. Enough is enough I guess. Time to get back into the world.

That is all for now.

So Mike already has a new job. It's only about 15 hours a week which is perfect for me right now. It's with a company called Consumer Impact Marketing, basically they are hired by all of the major movie studios to merchandise the Walmart and Zellers movies, and make sure the stores are keeping set standards that the companies want. Should be fun since I like movies and it's an easy job. I will be in charge of the Milton walmart and zellers which will be interesting since I just left zellers and now I am going to be back there a few hours making sure that things are done right (and finally having the power to make it happen) There is potential if I want for more hours/stores should I decide later on but for now it works out good. I can flex golf stuff later next month around it and it gives me time to focus on me.

h'm happy about it. also, it means I get movie promo stuff and posters... which rocks since I am cleaning/redoing my room at the moment so I want to put movie posters and such up on the walls so that I don't have to paint it right away.

I woke up early this morning, feeling strangely inspired to write something. I went downstairs to make a coffee and have a smoke. Sitting there in the kitchen it hit me. Today is family day. Sure to most it's just a day off work or school but what if I could make it more. What if I really could make it a family day.

You all know my family. My mom is amazing and I love her to death. My Dad and his side of the family I try to tolerate a few days a year. That's why today I decided to take the plunge. Lit up a smoke, sat down on the edge of my bed and called my sister. A few words with her and I hung up, calling my Dad next. A few minutes and back to calling my sister, then back to my Dad.

I had this idea. My Grandfather is in Flordia for nobody knows how long, and he left my Grandma here alone. So I thought...It's family day, why not make it one. Family Day Poker Night 2008. Suprisingly they were all supportive and liked the idea. Taking the dive to try and improve my family relations...

welcome back me.

Today I hand in a notice that Friday is my last day at Zellers. Time to stop thinking of the person I want to be and actually be him.

Expect to see me around more. Mike is back.

I had this idea a few days ago, though with work and such I didn't get around to it until now. Thought I would make a post with everything that is going on and what I have been up to.

Zellers:
- I still haven't heard back about the Future Executive Program though my manager is trying to find out what will happen there. Until I find out I remain at Zellers hating life.
- At Zellers there is one manager who I actually enjoy. He works hard, doesn't take crap from the students, and seemed to be very similar to me in work ethics. He was supposed to get his own store in February, though now it is looking like March. Anyways he asked me to go with him to his new store ( Which I was excited about since I know he works like me and he seemed really impressed with me and my work ) Turns out that he asked Aden the same thing. Aden is a cool guy and everything...but work wise he is a douche hole. So now I feel kind of shitty about that situation and will most likely not take the offer when the time comes.
- I've manager to impress the district manager and pretty much take control of the department, things are running good finally but I am getting tired of working so hard for nothing.
- No raise until I find out about the program.

Granite Ridge:
- Nothing is happening. I have been thinking lately about whether I will go back this upcoming season or not. Though so far I am thinking of doing it part-time on the side for cash if Jimmy allows it.

School:
I have no idea yet... Which blows.

Church:
Basically non existent with work hours. Though I have run into a lot of people from St Georges and Southside working at Zellers (Even Jack...Who is even less Jack then he was last time I saw him) In the meantime I keep to my own thing.

TV Shows: With the lack of TV shows this month due to the strike stuff I have turned to watching old shows. All of the hells kitchens, kitchen nightmares, etc. I watched all of firefly (Thank you Duby for the recommendation previously) which was AWESOME, followed it up with watching Serenity. All that left me with a really sad feeling that I couldn't watch more of it. I am now watching "Tru Calling" with Eliza Dushku (Faith from Buffy) which is pretty decent I guess.

So yeah. Basically I am working all the time, even when I am at home because I am not the kind of person who can leave work to be done by others. (Mostly because then it just doesn't get done) My off time I watch some TV and obviously play a little WoW. Started writing again, though nothing great (I'm rusty)

I've been trying to think of ways to get out and meet people. Zellers I meet nobody because I hate them all (mostly high school students who are douche bags) Thinking of taking either some cooking classes or something. I don't know yet... I do know that this year one of my goals is to meet new people and get out into the world... Yey for me. (Going to be hard)

Anyways, time to go now. <3

So...Here is a little tale of my night.

It's Christmas Eve and I just worked a long day. Came home, watched some Angel, then napped. After a brief nap I sat there sort of bored and alone because well... Yeah. So I figure I will take $40 and head to the slots to waste time.

My epic journey begins with my favourite deal or no deal slot. I put in $20, spin spin spin and I end up with $150. At which point I decide it's time to spread my wings and try new things. I head over to some ugly looking random slots and dump off $20, then to another and same thing. I have a rule when I slot that I go with X dollars, when I use that up (not touching winnings) I leave. I decided you know what... It's Christmas Eve....I'm depressed, I will use the $5 in my pocket. So I venture around the room scouting things out and I see a slot that looks kind of neat. It's a 2 cent slot so I figure I can waste a good amount of time on it. Well 10 minutes later lights are flashing and I won $408. Excited and needing a smoke I take my winnings from the guy who does that and start walking to the doors. He runs up and says "Sir, you still have some credits on the machine from before the bonus round." So I laugh, thank him, and return to the slot machine to spent what little was left. I hit the bonus and 10 minutes later he is counting $1121 into my hand. I thank him again, laugh a few times, return a dirty glare from an old woman, and come home.

The moral of the story is... When life is shitty and you are all alone... Money makes it all better. At least for a little while anyways.

(Sidenote: My gross pay so far from Zellers while I have been there is only $1900ish. So in one night at the slots I made almost what I have in several months at Zellers... Sad.)

I know the last while I have been a terrible friend. I know that I have let people down, and pushed them away. The truth is I put a smile on my face and say everything is getting better but it's not. It's like day one still, and everything keeps piling up. I don't have time to stop and think, working every day. Then the day I do get off ends up being filled with doing stuff I don't want to do. I want to sit. I want to breathe. I want to face things so I can move on but it's like there is no time. So I am sorry. Sorry that I have been crappy, sorry that I push away, sorry that I am doing all of this. I'm just tired. Tired of working, tired of all this stress, tired of life. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to talk about things. What I want I won't let myself have. I want to sleep peacefully, I want to lay down embraced and without words just feel everything will be better soon, i want to stop putting a fake smile on my face, i want to be able to do so without having to explain to everyone what is wrong. I want to be me again. I want to relax. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop feeling alone...I want life to stop so I can breathe.

I haven’t been myself for the past little while, some know why but others really have no idea. Those who do know why really have no idea what it is like. I can’t help but tell myself to get over it and move on, but I don’t seem to be able to. Mornings are crappy when you wake up after a terrible nightmare, then by the time you manage to get the images out of your head, relax and get over things. It’s night time again and you know it will happen all over again. There is only one thing worse then losing somebody you love, and that is losing them again and again every night. I haven’t slept well at all, and I haven’t been in the mood for people. For that I am sorry, just please be patient and try to understand that it’s nothing about the friendships or anything, just that I need to deal with this and until I do I am not sure what to do with myself.

It starts off with the light blue walls, doors line up either side of the long hallway. Like in any horror movie the entire hospital seems empty, though they never are. I walk and walk, my heart racing quicker with each pace. Then I can see her. The roommate. Sitting outside the room, crunched up on a bench crying. I don’t stop, I say nothing and I turn into the room. I hear beeping, slow but steady. As I step into the room I’m greeted by a nurse to tries to keep me out. Though I manage to make my way in, since there is no family present.
The suspense builds like a crappy film as I walk deeper into the room and around the curtain. It hits me.
I step closer, take her hand. Flatline.

Though it is not really how it all happened, it haunts me still. To see it over and over each night, and having to wake up and deal with it. Sweaty, teary, shaking. Every morning.
We all lose friends, family and people we casually know. That I could deal with a little easier I think. Losing somebody you love is a different thing all together. She was one of those people that you love (like in the movies) but you know it will never work. None the less, you love them all the same. I don’t think that is something you ever get over, ever stop being emo about... I just hope that one night soon I can sleep... Peacefully.

(I know only two people really read this, but I thought I would post it to vent / release things. As well to let you guys know that I’m not ignoring or avoiding you... I just don’t know if I am ready to be out in the world yet... Thus I load my week with work hours so I don’t have time to face it or think. So I am sorry to you guys, don’t hate me or get upset. I’ll be myself again soon enough.)